What's in a Smile
by Suffering Angel
Summary: can't summarize really. just some Kouji angst. and don't we all love that ;)


I don't own Digimon Frontier.

A/N: just some angst I really needed out of my system. Kouji's pov.

**_What's in a Smile_**

I sat aside from the others, as I normally would have back when we just met. Back when I didn't need anybody, back when being alone was fine. I still think it's ok, but a part of me likes being with them. That's why I'm sitting over here, when they're over there. I never did understand myself.

I try to understand what it is that makes this different than had I been a complete stranger. I'm not taking part in the conversation, and I'm hardly trying to pay attention to what's being said. I'm just... watching them. Studying them. Them and their smiles. Two in particular.

One belongs to the person which I call, between me and myself and I, my best friend.

I've always admired his smile, even when I found it too unbearable and annoying. Even when I couldn't stand it, I had to find it amazing. How he could always pull it off so easily. If we were happy, or sad, or just bored, he would pull it off in a flash, and everything would look brighter. We knew everything would turn out ok, just because of that smile. Even I knew it, even when I hated him.

Come to think about it, maybe I hated him for it. For the ability to smile like that at the world, and it's not that he expected the world to smile back, he smiled for himself. The world did that on his own.

But why? What's about him that makes everything seem better, like tomorrow would still come the day after the end of the world? What's that light at the end of the tunnel? It's his fire burning brightly for all to see.

He's there and he wants everyone to know it. He's not coming down and no matter what happens, it'll end all right. Everything will turn out just fine.

He'd die to make sure of that.

I once hated him for being able to smile like that. Now, I can't pass a day without it.

-

The other smile which constantly catches my attention is so much like my own, but so different. We share the same eyes, the same face, the same lips, but it's so different. Comes to show how 11 years apart made that much of a difference. 

He seemed like the smiling type when I met him. That evil look in his eyes just wasn't right. He wasn't meant to be like that, he was born to be as he is now – smiling.

Smiling as brightly and as happily as he can. Smiling as often as possible at the smallest of things.

It's not that he has a reason, really, he just loves to smile... and if it's not that, then he wouldn't be caught dead crying.

I guess that's something we both share. We'd never let anyone see us in tears. Not because we had easy lives, we'd just die before we'll give up. 

I can't blame him for falling under Cherubimon's control. I doubt any of us would've stayed ourselves. Maybe other than that guy... his smile just shouts that he'd have gotten over that too. But it was my twin brother, not him.

My twin brother whose existence was kept a secret from me.

My other half who was so close yet so far away.

My other smile.

-

In all honesty, I saw him once, when he was... stalking me. It was just a glimpse but I saw enough of him. He was smiling. It was one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen. I've yet to find smiles to pass that.

I turned away instantly, fast enough so I won't have to see him pout. I felt unworthy of his smile back then. I feel the same now.

I forgot all about that until a few days ago, when he was laughing. It was a voice like my own, but the laughter was completely different. Like night and day. It sounded so happy, so true, I knew I couldn't even laugh like that. And his smile... it caught me by surprise.

How could he be laughing like that? After everything that happened, he's smiling so brightly... 

It's amazing to think he's Darkness. That he once wanted to cover the world with shadows, not to let a single ray of light through.

Now, he's smile's giving out more light than anything I'd ever do.

-

It's weird that I'm Light. I'm not that kind, or over caring, or that good in general. And I can't smile like that. I don't have many reasons to smile. Never had. Even now, I'm smiling for them. Because they want me to smile. They wait for my smile because they need me to smile. I'm Light, I'm supposed to be smiling.

I can't.

Even when I think about going back home and giving Okaa-san the flowers, I'm not smiling because I want to. I'm smiling so I won't make her worry. So that I won't ruin the moment, so that she'd get what she's been waiting for since she began calling me her son. So I'll give her the flowers, and I'll be smiling when I'll do so. All for her.

-

I know it's weird, but I can't smile for myself. I can't be too happy. I can, however, make sure I don't ruin their happiness. I cannot, under any circumstances, cast a shadow on their ray of sunshine. That would be worse than killing them, because if they're alive, they should be smiling.

So I'll smile for them. Because their happiness is everything for me. That much I learned.

Another thing I learned, is why I'm Light, while he's Darkness.

Our smiles told me that much.

I'm Light, and I only smile for their sakes.

Had I been Darkness I'd have been beyond salvation.


End file.
